>>Attorney General John Ashcroft recently met with President
>Bush to share details of his latest anti-terrorism measures,
>designed to prevent attacks on America while preserving
>freedom and human rights for all law-abiding citizens and
>visitors who don't look Arabic.
>
>ASHCROFT: "Mr. President, you'll be glad to know that the
>FBI database has been improved. It now holds a comprehensive
>list of groups and individuals that have given us trouble of
>any sort, including Al Qaeda, Al Jihad and Al Gore."
>
>BUSH: "Al Gore? He's not a terrorist, is he?"
>
>ASHCROFT: "Probably not, Mr. President. But the FBI tapped
>his phone line and heard him say he's targeting the White
>House. We've been spying on him ever since he grew that
>beard."
>
>BUSH: "Good idea, John. The beard was mighty suspicious.
>Make sure you let me know if you spot him wearing a turban.
>That's usually the next step. It would give us enough
>evidence to detain him."
>
>ASHCROFT: "Yes, Mr. President. We're also starting a program
>to fingerprint and photograph visitors from certain
>countries, particularly the Islamic countries."
>
>BUSH: "Good idea, John. And let's not forget the Muslim
>countries either."
>
>ASHCROFT: "Yes, Mr. President. We're trying to use a variety
>of methods. That's why we're reorganizing the CIA. It will
>now stand for Central Investigation of Arabs. We don't want
>to put all our eggs in one basket."
>
>BUSH: "That's good, John! Remember: money is no object. We
>can always buy more baskets. We'll import them if we need
>to."
>
>ASHCROFT: "Uh ... yes, sir, whatever you say. The ACLU
>claims we're being discriminatory, but let's face facts:
>One out of ten Arabs hates America. That doesn't seem
>bad -- until you realize that only one out of 50 hates
>Salman Rushdie. We need to look at the big picture. If
>only one out of every 100,000 Arabs is a terrorist, that
>doesn't seem like a problem. But if we allow a million of
>them to enter the country, we're admitting 10 terrorists!"
>
>BUSH: "That's scary, John. But I have a solution: Let's
>allow only 999,990 to enter."
>
>ASHCROFT: "Yes, but how do we know which 10 to leave out?"
>
>BUSH: "Well, we can start with Louis Farrakhan. I never did
>like him."
>
>ASHCROFT: "Uh ... he's African-American, sir. Would you like
>us to detain him?"
>
>BUSH: "Yes, John, for at least a few decades. I noticed
>you've detained several other people who aren't Arabs."
>
>ASHCROFT: "Yes, but they all have connections to the Arab
>world. For example, we've detained a man named Levi Bara.
>If you take the first letters of his names and move them to
>the end, what do you get? Evil Arab. Just a coincidence?
>I don't think so. We've also detained a woman named Greta
>Baily. If you rearrange the letters of her names, what do
>you get? Great Libya."
>
>BUSH: "That's scary. But isn't it hard to keep track of all
>these names?"
>
>ASHCROFT: "Well, we're analyzing names using computer
>software created by an Indian programmer named Prash Desai.
>We hired him because his name -- you'll be glad to know --
>can be rearranged to form Sharp Ideas."
>
>BUSH: "Wonderful! It's a good thing we grabbed him before
>India did. Remind me to tell the Pakistani president,
>Perverse Mushroom, that we did him a big favor."