God, If You Exist Then Guide Me!
By Lamaan Ball (M. Phys.)
United Kingdom

10/11/2002


Some people who convert to Islam prefer to call it a reversion because everyone is born in a natural state of Islam – submission to the will of God – and rather than converting away from something they assert that coming to accept Islam is reverting to that human original state. In my case this is doubly so. My parents converted to Islam shortly before I was born, however since I was not brought up with a clear sense that I had to be a Muslim, I didn’t accept Islam until after I had spent some time searching for the truth. True that as a child I took part in their Islamic practices such as fasting Ramadan, but after my father died (when I was five) my mother allowed me from the age of 13 not to join in prayers if I did not want to. In my mind, I was waiting until I was old enough to make up my own mind which religion, if any, to choose.

At the age of 16 my mother remarried to an Egyptian and I lived with them in London for two years. I felt by then that I needed to be able to identify, explain and justify my purpose in life. I started reading books that had belonged to my father on philosophy. There were many, some on principles of logic, others on language and meaning, etc. My approach was to read a book until I felt that I could no longer accept what it proposed. This lead me to put down many books unfinished. I particularly remember a book entitled “Teach Yourself Philosophy”, which started by saying that the study of philosophy didn’t hope to find any answers, but that through it we could enjoy exploring the questions. I really didn't think that this attitude was a healthy way to help me search for truth.

After some reading and asking several questions about Islam from others, I found that I really couldn't find satisfying answers to my questions. My philosophy of life took shape and I concluded that I was a convinced agnostic whose purpose in life was to continue the process of discovery of the universe.

Up till the age of 21, I followed this philosophy sincerely. At that point, while I was studying at the University of Manchester, my motivation started to slip. I found myself, though sure about the accuracy of my evaluation of how the world is and how life is, unable to translate that into a motivation to act. Life was simply easier if I followed the crowd in the various pursuits of pleasures. So what if the purpose of life is to learn? Why do I have to work at it? As my motivation ebbed, so did my academic results. So in the summer vacation, I resolved to review my philosophy of life.

Partly, in an effort to avoid being influenced by emotional considerations, I was due to spend the year in Germany as part of my degree. For the summer, I was living on my own in Hamburg. During this time, I wrestled with these questions trying to reach some answers. In the middle of this, I had this profound dream.

I was sitting with a group of people on an embankment overlooking a wide-open plain. At the foot of the embankment was what appeared to be a set of train lines stretching off into the distance to the left and right although from our vantage point we could ...
Mehr unter : My journy to Islam,Lamaan Ball(M.Phys), by Muslimonline.net